Who am I?

 

 

 Photo credit: http://rejoiceinhim.com/life/god-sees-your-efforts/

 

 

Who am I? Now that I am no longer a wife. Now that my children are grown and married. Now that I am alone. Who am I? I remember a long time ago, when I asked the same question of myself, but before I really knew God, before Jesus reached me. I would go whole weekends, trying to "know and like myself", trying to establish in my mind who I was compared to the "me" I saw through someone else's eyes. At the time, I thought I had to completely separate myself from that version of me that the other person saw. Who was I, by myself? What did I like to do when I wasn't trying to please someone else?

 

That was a long, long time ago. In time, I met my husband, and in his eyes, I was pretty and smart and someone he wanted to be around. And that was great, but it was still someone else's perception of me. Over the years, a situation came up with another person where I was so completely misunderstood, that I'm still scarred by it.  And, I discovered that sometimes, the "you" that exists in someone else's mind is not only someone you wouldn't recognize as yourself, but someone you wouldn't like at all. 

 

In our human world, a person's perception of you is his or her reality of you. A very unfortunate truth. Sometimes, that builds you up - like how my husband saw me. And sometimes, it can be so hurtful as to nearly destroy you, when you are seen as something diametrically opposed to who you really are. And sometimes, there is truth in what they see that you don't want to admit and need to learn from.

 

There are very popular quotes that float around. "It doesn't matter how others see you. It only matters how you see yourself." But, how you see yourself can also be a lie. We all deceive ourselves - seeing ourselves better than we should or worse than we should. However, there is One who knows you as you really are, who knows you better than you know yourself. He knows every ugly thought, every arrogant act, every single thing you try to hide, and He loves you anyway. He loves you fully, completely and without hesitation. His love for you is unconditional. There is absolutely nothing you can do to earn it or deserve it. That One is Jesus. The One who died for you so that you can live forever with Him. And you know what? If you were the only person in the whole world that would believe that - who would accept that gift - He would have gone to the cross anyway, just for you. 

 

I am still wrestling with my life and who I am now. Not a wife. A mother only from a distance. My parents are in heaven, and so I am no longer a daughter in this world. Except that I am. Whatever and whoever else I am, I am a child of God. Both here, now, and in eternity. I remind myself daily - hourly - that THIS is not the real world. This current world, with misunderstandings, violence, even hatred - this is not forever. My husband, my parents, my husband's parents, my little unborn son - are all experiencing the real world, where there is no sin, and where we will really know each other. When we are there, (and there comes here!) ALL of this current world will seem flat and dull and small and impossibly blind. 

Yet, for now, when we are still in this reality, while we can still be misunderstood, try to be authentically you - transparently you - and very clear in what you say and do (and try really hard for your actions to match your words). But, the truth is, ultimately, you don't even know you. But God does. And He loves you. Remember, dear one, JUST HANG ON.

 

 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
1 Corinthians 13:12