Who am I?

 

 

 Photo credit: http://rejoiceinhim.com/life/god-sees-your-efforts/

 

 

Who am I? Now that I am no longer a wife. Now that my children are grown and married. Now that I am alone. Who am I? I remember a long time ago, when I asked the same question of myself, but before I really knew God, before Jesus reached me. I would go whole weekends, trying to "know and like myself", trying to establish in my mind who I was compared to the "me" I saw through someone else's eyes. At the time, I thought I had to completely separate myself from that version of me that the other person saw. Who was I, by myself? What did I like to do when I wasn't trying to please someone else?

 

That was a long, long time ago. In time, I met my husband, and in his eyes, I was pretty and smart and someone he wanted to be around. And that was great, but it was still someone else's perception of me. Over the years, a situation came up with another person where I was so completely misunderstood, that I'm still scarred by it.  And, I discovered that sometimes, the "you" that exists in someone else's mind is not only someone you wouldn't recognize as yourself, but someone you wouldn't like at all. 

 

In our human world, a person's perception of you is his or her reality of you. A very unfortunate truth. Sometimes, that builds you up - like how my husband saw me. And sometimes, it can be so hurtful as to nearly destroy you, when you are seen as something diametrically opposed to who you really are. And sometimes, there is truth in what they see that you don't want to admit and need to learn from.

 

There are very popular quotes that float around. "It doesn't matter how others see you. It only matters how you see yourself." But, how you see yourself can also be a lie. We all deceive ourselves - seeing ourselves better than we should or worse than we should. However, there is One who knows you as you really are, who knows you better than you know yourself. He knows every ugly thought, every arrogant act, every single thing you try to hide, and He loves you anyway. He loves you fully, completely and without hesitation. His love for you is unconditional. There is absolutely nothing you can do to earn it or deserve it. That One is Jesus. The One who died for you so that you can live forever with Him. And you know what? If you were the only person in the whole world that would believe that - who would accept that gift - He would have gone to the cross anyway, just for you. 

 

I am still wrestling with my life and who I am now. Not a wife. A mother only from a distance. My parents are in heaven, and so I am no longer a daughter in this world. Except that I am. Whatever and whoever else I am, I am a child of God. Both here, now, and in eternity. I remind myself daily - hourly - that THIS is not the real world. This current world, with misunderstandings, violence, even hatred - this is not forever. My husband, my parents, my husband's parents, my little unborn son - are all experiencing the real world, where there is no sin, and where we will really know each other. When we are there, (and there comes here!) ALL of this current world will seem flat and dull and small and impossibly blind. 

Yet, for now, when we are still in this reality, while we can still be misunderstood, try to be authentically you - transparently you - and very clear in what you say and do (and try really hard for your actions to match your words). But, the truth is, ultimately, you don't even know you. But God does. And He loves you. Remember, dear one, JUST HANG ON.

 

 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
1 Corinthians 13:12

 

Roller coaster ride

 

 

 

 The picture above is from an article called "Seven of the World's Scariest Roller Coasters (with videos)"

 

 I don't think I'd be going too far to say that my world is just kind of nuts right now. I think I'd be saying that even if my husband hadn't died in January. I kind of suspect that your world is kind of nuts, too, maybe to the point where you're starting to ask, "Are these things  in the Bible? Because this is starting to feel like prophecy kind of stuff." And, yeah, in my opinion, it IS starting to look like prophecy right out of the Bible. It's starting to feel like Jesus' return is very close - for real! But that also means all kinds of scary stuff, right? Well, Jesus certainly never promised it was going to be easy. 

 

Even if you're not a Bible reader, things are still nuts. You've got Pandemic literally out your window. You go to the store and sometimes the shelves seem kind of empty. You go to pay for your purchase only to see a sign that says, "Due to the national coin shortage, we can accept exact amount only" or even "NO CASH ACCEPTED." You hear rumors of not being able to travel without a vaccine. And tucked in between Covid news and election this or that, was a little blip at the end of July, where it was quietly announced that the government has "off-world vehicles not made on this earth" Um - what??

There is really weird weather, like unprecedented flood here or snowfall there or earthquake over there (in North Carolina??????). Volcanoes are going off. The 2020 Hurricane season might be among the most active ever? And murder hornets? Seriously?

It wouldn't take much imagination to just get yourself scared to death, whether you believe in Bible prophecy or not. But, I DO believe in Bible prophecy, and I remember what Jesus said: 

 

When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near."

Luke 21:28

 

That day is drawing near, when Jesus will return and take His own to be with Him, forever. 

 

For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18

 

Encourage one another with these words. It won't be long, now! But, it's still scary, right? You just have to remember that God knows the end from the beginning. He knew every day of your life, before you were ever born. From here to the end, whenever that is, whatever that includes, is still absolutely under God's control. There is not one single second of your life that God hasn't accounted for in His plan for you. He knew every screw up, every bad decision, every instance of being out of His will that you have done or will ever do, and is still working ALL of that for your good. 

 

 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

 

Notice that it doesn't say "some things". He doesn't work just the good things for your benefit. No, He works ALL things for your eternal good. 

 

Have you ever ridden a roller coaster? Maybe one of those really big, scary ones? You wait forever in line, and all the while you do, you keep looking over at the ride. It seems pretty wild, but not THAT bad, right? Until you're further on in the line, and the closer you get to getting on the ride, the more impossibly scary it looks. And then there's that moment where you sit down, and they lock you in, and the car takes off! There is no getting off, now. You have to go through it, no matter what - and as you are slowly ratcheting up that huge incline, you know there's going to be a stomach-dropping plummet afterwards, and YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT. But there is no getting off. You are on this ride until the end. 

I want you to think about something. As I mentioned, God has accounted for every second of your life in His plan for you. In a sense, He designed the ride that you are on. Now, we're not talking about a human designer here. We're talking about the best engineer in the entire universe, personally designing YOUR ride. Your ride is not like anyone else's. There may be parts that are similar, but God's ride for you was designed JUST FOR YOU. And, yeah, it's kind of like a roller coaster, but every twist, every turn, every heart-stopping moment was pre-planned, JUST FOR YOU. Perfectly engineered, by the One who invented engineering.

And when you believed in Jesus as your savior, you were buckled in with the safest harness there could possibly be. No, you can't get off. But, you will ALWAYS, ALWAYS make it to the end of the ride. God Himself designed it that way. If you are trusting Jesus as your savior - believing that He died for your sins in your place, and then rose again - then the end of the ride is life eternal, forever with Jesus. No more death or pain or sin. No more good-byes. The place at end of the ride is the real world. This world is just the Shadowland, as C.S. Lewis called it. 

So, your job is to trust the Designer of your ride and to hang on. Scream if you need to, but JUST HANG ON. The end of the ride is coming. And then, real life finally begins. This whole world is just a poor reflection of that wondrous world that awaits us at the end of the ride.

 

 No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart has imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him. 

1 Corinthians 2:9