Called out of darkness: A Halloween story

 

The Bible says that all of us were once darkness. I was once darkness. Not only did I live in darkness, but I actually sought it out. I didn't realize that was what I was doing. 

I've been thinking about how to tell this story for days. If I wanted to tell it at all. In all honesty, no, I don't want to tell it. Christians are not "good" people. True Christians are forgiven sinners - forgiven because the blood of Jesus covers all those things that we did, are doing, will do that make us ashamed. This story makes me ashamed, but like all my sins, Jesus' blood covers this, too.

There was a time when Halloween was my favorite holiday. I told my college roommate that it was my favorite because it had no meaning - that it was just for fun. We had "secret spooks" in our dorm one year, and I had a great time filling my assigned person's mailbox with round candies that would spill out when she opened the latch, turning all her clothes inside out on their hangers (with a bit of help from her roommate), leaving a trail of paper ghosts for her to follow to find a prize. All fun. 

I went to church, but I didn't really get anything out of it. I had grown up going to a Methodist church. I'm not sure if they didn't talk about Jesus there, or if I just didn't hear it. Regardless, by the time I went to college, I considered myself a Christian, but I don't think I really was. At best, I was a tiny, baby Christian who didn't know anything about anything.

College was a confusing time. Classes and grades were the only things that were easy, and in that way, I excelled. Every thing else was superficial. I laughed for hours with my friends over people and places and professors. The real me never came out, though. My life was painful and full of never-answered questions. I meandered down all kinds of paths that didn't go anywhere. I searched for spiritual meaning but found emptiness. I learned to act like a caring, loving "Christian" person, but inside, I was a mess. I decided my problem was a lack of self-esteem, so I went on a self-help binge. I spent whole weekends "getting to know and like myself."

I started reading the Bible, but the meaning slid off me. Jesus died on the cross so that my sins could be forgiven, and I could go to heaven. So? Did I believe it? Really, truly, deep inside where no one could see, did I REALLY believe it? Other things were equally interesting. Reincarnation - that was weird, but maybe true? Out-of-body experiences sounded plausible. ESP was fascinating. Ghosts? Maybe there was too much evidence for them to be totally a hoax. Same thing for UFO's. It's a big universe, after all. Who's to say? What about spirit quests? What about . . . You get the idea.

I went to church, but it didn't do anything for the hole in my soul. I know now that it didn't help because I never heard about Jesus there! (Pretty sad commentary on the state of today's churches) It wasn't until I started listening to Christian radio that I started hearing about sin and the need for a savior. I listened to one Bible teacher after another, and finally, things started to click. One day, I pulled into a grocery store with Christian radio playing in the car. Just as I parked, I heard, "If you were the only person that Jesus could have saved by dying on the cross - if you were the ONLY person who would listen and believe and have your sins forgiven - Jesus would have done it anyway, just for you. He loves you that much."

I sat there, stunned. The message stabbed me in the heart. Truth. I knew I was hearing the truth. I decided to read the Bible from beginning to end. Every day I read, and every day I prayed, "If this is real, help me understand. Help me believe. I want to believe! Jesus, are you really God? Help me know for sure."

Somewhere during the twelve hundred and seventy-three pages, God reached me and I changed. I caught a glimpse of my life as God saw it. I'm sure I condemned myself to eternal suffering before age two, let alone those college years. But now I KNEW that Jesus loved me, and that he took every sin -- my angry outbursts, hypocritical judgments and others I don't even want to remember -- to the cross with him. When I die and stand before God, Jesus will step in front of me. God won't see my sins, but Jesus' righteousness instead. Heaven waits for me - not because I was good, kind and loving, but because God the Father punished Jesus instead of me.

And that was that, right? From that point on, I was a good Christian. I had read the Bible and put the past behind me. Here's the thing that is so hard to write about - so hard to admit. For several years after that, I lived in two worlds. I have no doubt that I was saved, but like Lazarus stumbling out of his tomb (alive!), I was still wrapped in my grave clothes.

I was a Christian who was attracted to darkness. How crazy is that? In my defense, I didn't realize that was what I was doing. I loved all things supernatural. If there was a rational explanation for something, I was disappointed. I loved stories about wizards and magic. It was harmless entertainment. Halloween was still just for fun, with cute decorations and costumes and trick or treating with my young daughters. If "Harry Potter" had been available in those days, I would have loved it and everything about it. If someone had tried to tell me that ANY of that was wrong, I would have laughed at her. I didn't actually believe any of it. It was just for fun. I was able to separate that world from the world of being a Christian. I could enjoy it for the harmless fun that it was. Right? Isn't that right?

I said this was a Halloween story, and every Halloween story needs a spooky part. I went on, just like that - reading my Bible and also reading books like Harry Potter (that particular book hadn't been written, yet, but there were hundreds of others). I discovered a series of books that I especially liked, that had characters with magical powers. There were so many of the books that I could read 3 or 4 a week - for weeks on end. I found myself thinking about the characters all the time. At night, I started dreaming about them. Then, in my dreams, the characters started taking on a life of their own, and it was like I was in the story. They were talking to me, telling me things. It was fascinating. So real - so fun.

Had anyone tried to talk to me about the dangers of that, I would have argued that he or she was wrong. It was harmless, and I was perfectly fine. And then one day, the characters talked to me in real voices - except I was not asleep. In that moment, I realized what I had done. I was listening to demons. Can I convey to you my terror? My horror? Up to that day, all was "fun," and then God allowed me to see past the obscuring veil. I had allowed the evil one not only into my house, but into my mind. I was listening to creatures of darkness who had masqueraded as the characters from the books I had been reading. Masqueraded as angels of light. When God allows you to actually see the enemy as they are, there is no fun there. There is no entertainment there. There are only lies and deception, darkness and evil - the blackness of the pit itself.

I cried out to God, to Jesus, my savior, "Help me! Make it stop! I'm so sorry!" and just like that, they were gone. I fear that if I had not obeyed the voice of God in that moment, when He called me out of darkness, that I would have been lost. The evil ones would have had possession of me.

I was a Christian still wrapped in grave clothes. I was a Christian still chasing darkness. That day, I stopped reading those kinds of books. I stopped having anything to do with Halloween (because it's not meaningless). I stopped all of that, and instead, I try to warn others. Not because I see myself as some sort of "better than thou." No - because I'm like an alcoholic, and that would be taking a drink. To this day, when I come across books or movies or pictures or anything like I used to love, there is a tug on my soul. "Come back! It's just harmless! You know you love it!" whispers the evil one. But, the Spirit within me says more loudly, "No! Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them." (Ephesians 5:11)

I have been called out of darkness, and so have you. Don't let the evil one fool you in whatever way you are vulnerable. For me, it was the attraction of the supernatural, and honestly, the love of darkness. For someone else, it might be sexual or some other thing. We all have our weak spots where Satan tries to get in, but we can't live in both worlds, calling ourselves Christians while chasing darkness.

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.

1 John 1:5-10

I was once darkness, but I have been called out of it. The pull is still there, but with God's help, I will not give in to it. 

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,
    rise from the dead,
    and Christ will shine on you.”

  Ephesians 5:8-11 

On this day when much of America is celebrating darkness, don't be like me, trying to walk in both worlds. I'm not here to make any doctrinal argument about what Christians can and cannot do or whether a Christian can be possessed or oppressed or whatever. I am just telling my own story, and if you would like to tell me yours, please comment below. 

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. 

1 Peter 2:9