"It 's OK. You're OK. It's going to be OK." I must say that to myself dozens of times a day, as I attempt to tamp down the anxiety that continues to well up in me. I take a deep breath and let it out very slowly and say those words to myself again and again.
Christians are not supposed to have anxiety, right? Many of us can quote some of the verses from the Bible, like this one from Philippians:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Philippians 4:6
Or this one:
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9
In fact, the Bible is filled with verses that tell us not to be afraid, but to trust God. God is either in control or He is not. I may just not be mature enough, but I have to tell you, when your husband dies and your children are very far away (both my daughters married Canadians) and the whole world changes overnight because of a pandemic, it's really hard not to feel anxious. On top of that, I have a house full of things my husband acquired that I don't even know what they are, let alone what to do with them. How many of them are vital to the running of the property? I have no idea.
I'm working my way through this new life slowly, learning to mow and fix things and live on my own, all while dealing with the ever present grief and daily tears, even though I just hit the 9-month mark of widowhood. It's not just me; I know several new widows, and plenty of other people who are struggling, and so I'm writing this not only as a reminder to me, but for them, too.
Why do you think the Bible speaks so frequently of fear and anxiety? Because we are human, and we have fear and anxiety. But, those feelings of worry and apprehension must not be allowed to rule us. That's the thing - you WILL feel them, but with God's help, they need not control you. I don't want to minimize the crippling effect that fear can have on some people, but I do want to remind you (and me) that we have a very big God. And remember, not once does God say, "Feel not." Emotions, especially for some of us, are not something you just switch off. But emotions are deceptive. What does God mean when He says through Jeremiah, "The heart is deceitful above all things" (Jer 17:9)? It means that you must not act or decide things based on how you feel about something. Your heart can deceive you. You may FEEL that something is right, but if God's word says it is wrong, then your heart is lying to you.
It's true of fear, too. Our hearts may feel it, but it's almost irrelevant what causes it. Why am I afraid? You may have no idea. It's true that we may feel that anxiety (for whatever reason) welling up in us, but as often as it happens, we need to give it back to God. Whether your fear is real or imagined, rational or not, you need to just say, "Lord, you know what I'm feeling. I can't seem to help it. Please, I give it to you to deal with. Help me. I'm trusting you with this."
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7
It doesn't say, "Stop feeling anxiety!" No, it says when you DO feel it, give it back to God. There is very little you can do about most things. But, one thing you CAN do is to consciously, with full awareness, trust God. I have to remind myself again and again that trust is not a feeling!!!! Trust is a decision you make based on who God is and all that He has promised.
By my will, I CHOOSE to trust God (and even that, He helps me do). It doesn't matter what I feel about anything. I may be filled with grief and fear. I may not have a single idea of what I'm doing. But, I still choose to trust that God knows what He is doing. When I feel that anxiety and give it back to God, I don't know what He will choose to do with it. He may take it away. He may calm me despite its presence. He may just stand beside me and walk me through it (not necessarily even feeling Him there, but just trusting that He is). My friends all know my favorite Bible verses:
Trust in the LORD with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
What does that verse mean? The "lean not on your own understanding" means just that. Don't put your trust in what you understand. Don't lean on your feelings about something. A God small enough to understand is not big enough to help you. Every situation you encounter has things going on that you know nothing about. You will never understand it all because you are not God. And you know what? You are not supposed to. "Be still and know that I am God." (Ps 46:10) could very well end with "and you are not." Only God knows the end from the beginning. Only God knew at the beginning of my marriage that it would only be 31 years before He would call my husband home. Only God knows what will happen tomorrow, let alone next month or 31 years from now. I don't have to understand something to trust that God knows what He is doing. Why did He take my husband and leave me here alone? I don't know. I just trust that there was a reason, one that I probably won't know in this world.
Verse six goes on to say, "In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." What does that mean? It means put your faith in God. Put your trust in God. Begin every day and every decision within the day by acknowledging that God is in charge. And then what? "He will make your paths straight." He will make all things work for your good. He will make sure that you are provided for. He will keep you on the path that He has planned for you. If your prayer is, "Make me ready, Lord, for the days to come and your coming for us," then you trust (a decision, not a feeling) that He will do exactly that. Whatever is necessary for your continued walk on this earth will be provided. HE - not you - will make your paths straight. It's very much like the roller coaster I wrote about a couple of posts ago. You did not design the roller coaster, and you are not in control of it. Your "ride" was designed by the one who invented engineering. When you trusted Jesus as your savior, you were buckled in. Secure. And eventually, no matter how scary, no matter how full of pain or fear or anxiety or grief, He will bring you to the end of the ride. And remember, THAT'S the real world. That's the world where God will wipe every tear from our eyes. Not this world.
This world is only shadows - a poor reflection in a wavy mirror. The world to come is the real world. And perhaps, like mine, your loved one has gone ahead into that world. And your father in heaven, who loves you so much that He sent Jesus to die for you, will make sure that you get there, too. In the meantime, please know, it WILL be OK. Even if you have to remind yourself a hundred times a day, it will be OK. One day, perhaps very soon, the trumpet will sound, we will be clothed in immortality, and we will meet Jesus in the air, along with our loved ones who went ahead. And then no more good-byes, ever, ever again. That day is coming. That world is coming. Trust your savior despite what you feel. And, JUST HANG ON.
