The hardest post I'll ever write

(Please, Lord, let this be the hardest post I ever write)

There have been many times in the last couple of months that I've thought about something I've wanted to write. I guess it's a good sign, a sign of healing, that I want to write at all. But, every time I come here to start a post, I realize that I can't just start writing something without telling the story of the last few months. Yet, every time I tried, I would look at what I wrote the last couple of posts, and my heart would squeeze, and I just couldn't. 

But, if I want to write again, and I do, I need to get past that. Most people who will read this post already know what happened. For the sake of the blog and anyone who finds their way here who doesn't know me, though, I need to tell the story.

My daughter got married last October 27. A wonderful wedding, with my most poignant memory being of her dancing a swing dance with her dad. They practiced for weeks, and it was one of the highlights of the day. My husband had such a smile on his face. Three weeks later, we went to Door County here in Wisconsin to celebrate our 31st wedding anniversary. Other than some pain in his foot & leg, which we put down to doing something the previous week, all seemed fine. A week later, he started having trouble eating. The tiniest amount of food would make him feel like he was going to vomit. His leg pain increased, and his stomach started to hurt all the time. I took him to the doctor, and I personally told the doctor all I had been seeing. He ordered a bunch of tests, all of which were inconclusive. By December 16, my husband's stomach hurt so bad that I took him to the emergency room, where they did a CT scan. I expected them to tell us that he had a bowel blockage, and worst case, might need surgery to correct it. Instead, they told us that his body was full of cancer. It was already everywhere. And just three and a half weeks later, he was gone. His cancer doctor told me that all pancreatic cancer is aggressive, but his was especially bad. 

Maybe someday I'll be able to write of those weeks. I can't, yet. I hope with all my being that his passing was pain free, but for me, it was traumatizing. Even now, nearly seven months later, I have to pray away the memory of that last week whenever it surfaces. While he could talk, my husband assured us that he was at peace with what God had decided for him, but I wasn't. I was in full denial. Hundreds of people were praying, and I wanted to believe that God would heal him, and give him back to me. Those prayers were not in vain. God did heal him - just not the way I thought He was going to. My precious husband needed to let go of his need for the things of this world to be ready for the next one, and that is exactly how God healed him. 

My daughters and their husbands were able to come and spend time with their dad. His sister and her husband were also here. My oldest daughter was able to show him a 3D ultrasound picture of his soon-to-be-born, first grandchild. I know that God was gracious to us. He gave us time to say good-bye, and He didn't allow my husband to go through endless suffering, trying to hang on to this world a little longer. But who is ever ready to say good-bye to anyone you've loved so deeply?

God has already taught me many things these last few months. For one thing, this separation is temporary. Before he died, my husband made a recording for me, to put inside a teddy bear. His message was simple: "I love you, Jacqui. I will see you soon."

And I will see him soon. No one with any amount of Bible knowledge can look around and not realize that we are nearly at the end of this world as it has been. It is almost time for God to bring all things to completion, and part of that plan is bring His people to Himself, never to be separated again. (1 Thessalonians 4:17)  My husband would not recognize this world he left. So much has changed in just these few months since January.

I know that writing posts here will still be hard. The things I've learned, I've learned through pain, and that's never the easiest thing to talk about. But, I hope this is the start of writing again. 

So, Lord, tell my dear husband that I love him. Tell him that I miss him, but I know it won't be long, and we will all be together again, with You. And then, no more good-byes, ever, ever again.

For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.
1 Thessalonians 4:16-18


 My husband's obituary