The hardest post I'll ever write

(Please, Lord, let this be the hardest post I ever write)

There have been many times in the last couple of months that I've thought about something I've wanted to write. I guess it's a good sign, a sign of healing, that I want to write at all. But, every time I come here to start a post, I realize that I can't just start writing something without telling the story of the last few months. Yet, every time I tried, I would look at what I wrote the last couple of posts, and my heart would squeeze, and I just couldn't. 

But, if I want to write again, and I do, I need to get past that. Most people who will read this post already know what happened. For the sake of the blog and anyone who finds their way here who doesn't know me, though, I need to tell the story.

My daughter got married last October 27. A wonderful wedding, with my most poignant memory being of her dancing a swing dance with her dad. They practiced for weeks, and it was one of the highlights of the day. My husband had such a smile on his face. Three weeks later, we went to Door County here in Wisconsin to celebrate our 31st wedding anniversary. Other than some pain in his foot & leg, which we put down to doing something the previous week, all seemed fine. A week later, he started having trouble eating. The tiniest amount of food would make him feel like he was going to vomit. His leg pain increased, and his stomach started to hurt all the time. I took him to the doctor, and I personally told the doctor all I had been seeing. He ordered a bunch of tests, all of which were inconclusive. By December 16, my husband's stomach hurt so bad that I took him to the emergency room, where they did a CT scan. I expected them to tell us that he had a bowel blockage, and worst case, might need surgery to correct it. Instead, they told us that his body was full of cancer. It was already everywhere. And just three and a half weeks later, he was gone. His cancer doctor told me that all pancreatic cancer is aggressive, but his was especially bad. 

Maybe someday I'll be able to write of those weeks. I can't, yet. I hope with all my being that his passing was pain free, but for me, it was traumatizing. Even now, nearly seven months later, I have to pray away the memory of that last week whenever it surfaces. While he could talk, my husband assured us that he was at peace with what God had decided for him, but I wasn't. I was in full denial. Hundreds of people were praying, and I wanted to believe that God would heal him, and give him back to me. Those prayers were not in vain. God did heal him - just not the way I thought He was going to. My precious husband needed to let go of his need for the things of this world to be ready for the next one, and that is exactly how God healed him. 

My daughters and their husbands were able to come and spend time with their dad. His sister and her husband were also here. My oldest daughter was able to show him a 3D ultrasound picture of his soon-to-be-born, first grandchild. I know that God was gracious to us. He gave us time to say good-bye, and He didn't allow my husband to go through endless suffering, trying to hang on to this world a little longer. But who is ever ready to say good-bye to anyone you've loved so deeply?

God has already taught me many things these last few months. For one thing, this separation is temporary. Before he died, my husband made a recording for me, to put inside a teddy bear. His message was simple: "I love you, Jacqui. I will see you soon."

And I will see him soon. No one with any amount of Bible knowledge can look around and not realize that we are nearly at the end of this world as it has been. It is almost time for God to bring all things to completion, and part of that plan is bring His people to Himself, never to be separated again. (1 Thessalonians 4:17)  My husband would not recognize this world he left. So much has changed in just these few months since January.

I know that writing posts here will still be hard. The things I've learned, I've learned through pain, and that's never the easiest thing to talk about. But, I hope this is the start of writing again. 

So, Lord, tell my dear husband that I love him. Tell him that I miss him, but I know it won't be long, and we will all be together again, with You. And then, no more good-byes, ever, ever again.

For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.
1 Thessalonians 4:16-18


 My husband's obituary

In light of eternity

Do you ever feel like growing older isn't really fair? As I sat in Bible study at church yesterday, these and other thoughts were interrupting my listening to the pastor. At that point in the lesson, we were discussing these verses: 

For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.

Romans 8:22-23 NLT

That part, "we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering," is about being in pain, being sick, growing old, and the pastor was making the point that when we are suffering like that, maybe with something like cancer or constant pain, that we might be tempted to say, "I thought you loved me, God. I've served you my whole life. Why are you doing this to me?"

And, in my head, I was off, thinking about things God has already taught me. Well -- is teaching me. Will continue to be teaching me. 

Not that long ago, I was feeling pretty blue. My grown children were having adventures, and I was kind of jealous. (still am, in all honesty) Their whole lives were still ahead of them, and mine was mostly past. At that moment, getting old didn't seem fair. So, why is that the way it is? 

And, of course, God reminded me that He didn't create us to die. We humans did that to ourselves.

Of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.

Genesis 2:17

And that is why Jesus had to come to earth - to live and die in our place, so that we could be forgiven for that original sin and all the ones each one of us commit. And one day, He will undo all the damage we're wrought on this earth and will make it perfect again. 

Which brings us back to the verse from Bible study - longing for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. And that's how God uses our dying bodies for good - to long for the day when we will be released. When all creation will be released. If all was perfect, if we were always young and strong, what reason would we have to long for something better? What reason would we have to feel the need to get right with God? 

So, I have accepted that in this fallen world, with these fallen bodies, that getting old is literally part of God's plan for us. From His perspective, this little time on earth is the merest blip, not even the blink of an eye, compared for what He has in mind for us. In light of eternity, our time of feeling old and useless is nothing. For the day will come - maybe soon - when corruption puts on incorruption. 

 So also is the resurrection of the dead. The body is sown in corruption, it is raised in incorruption.  It is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness, it is raised in power.  

1 Corinthians 15:42-43

Photo credit: https://christskingdom.org/articles/heaven-jesus-believers-new-glorified-body/

So, knowing what awaits, we can (should, at least), be patient with these failing bodies. So, that is not my issue. I accept that that is the way it is, so that is not what my mind was occupied with yesterday. No, I was thinking more of the useless part. We were in Romans, and 15 years ago, I had written an overview of the whole Bible, with a little bit on each book, and I had a couple of sentences on Romans. 15 years ago, Romans was so familiar to me that I could summarize it for my Bible study ladies without a lot of effort. Yesterday, I literally couldn't remember what I had said about Romans. 

Yeah, so? Many of my friends, when I make some kind of comment like that will respond that they have trouble remembering why they came into a room, let alone something they wrote 15 years ago. The point is not that I couldn't remember what I had said. The point is that yesterday, given the same opportunity to summarize Romans in a couple of sentences, I couldn't do it. 

I sat there, with the Pastor's voice an unheard buzz in the background, while I tried to summarize Romans in my head. I couldn't do it. That book used to be so familiar to me, and now, I can barely remember what is in Romans and what isn't. How am I supposed to be useful to God like this?

And, I remind myself, yet again, that God created me for a purpose. I've written about that before: Work that only you can do and I'll surely write on it again. I can't be alone. There must be other believers out there who used to feel more useful than they currently do. But, as I continually tell myself, God knew I would get to this point, and He still has a purpose for me in being here, or He would have found a way to call me home. Since He has not, there is still work for me to do. No, it obviously is not the same work as before, but it is still important, and He still means for me to do it. 

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

NOTE: None of this is about working to earn my right to heaven. In that regard, our only work is to believe that Jesus has already done it all for us, and even that, the Holy Spirit works in us to believe that.

I don't like getting old, and I am still jealous of my daughters, with their lives ahead of them. But, in light of eternity, all of it, literally ALL of it, is nothing. In light of eternity, it doesn't matter how old you are, whether you lead an adventurous life or go exciting places. All that matters is knowing Jesus and trusting Him as your savior. If you are right with God, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. As Paul says, "Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." (Philippians 3:8)

In light of eternity, this tiny blip of a life is truly nothing. 

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
    and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared
    for those who love him.”

1 Corinthians 2:9   

And while here, there is still work for me to do. 😁 

Finish the work

Obviously, I've been doing a lot of things besides writing this blog. Lately, I've been outside pretty much all day, every day. Yesterday, it was supposed to start raining at some point in the afternoon. I decided to see how much I could get done in the garden before the rain came. By this time, it was almost 4:00, and that was when the front was supposed to come through.

I grabbed a pail, and a pair of scissors (to cut stinging nettle to make quiche), a package of purple bean seeds to plant, and my trusty shovel that's been a constant companion this spring. As you can see in the picture, three of my squares are not only not planted, but I haven't even dug in the compost, yet. It was my plan to ready another square for planting.

As I stood in the garden, softening up the bean square soil with my hand, the wind started to howl. Our property has many basswoods, which really catch the wind because they are so tall. They stand as sentinels behind my vegetable garden and nearby food forest. I love the wind, so I look up, and the light behind the trees has that "going to storm" look to it. It's all wild and wonderful, and suddenly I have one of those "Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening" kind of moments.

We live in the country, and I'm usually talking to God out loud while I work, asking Him about what to plant where and telling Him that something is pretty, and whatever. No one can hear me, and it's just become what I do outside. So, that's normal, but asking Him to speak back is not typical for me. For one thing, I'm just too afraid that my imagination would take over and put words in my head.

There have been a couple of occasions in my life when I've heard God speak loud and clear, literally like someone speaking in the room. There have been a handful of times when I've heard God speak in my soul or my head or whatever you want to call it, and I knew that I knew that I knew that it was Him, and even had it confirmed later that yes, it really had been. (If you've experienced that, you know what I mean) There have been times when God spoke and I had no idea that it had been Him until afterward. And, there have been many times when I heard a whisper that was so light that I am just not sure. Was that God? Was that me? There are times when it didn't matter, because the words were scripture from the Bible. But, if it wasn't from the Bible, was it really God? Speaking to me in a gentle whisper?? Yesterday, was one of those times.

So, I'm in garden, looking up at the tossing trees, and that light that says a storm is coming, the wind whipping my face, and I say, "Speak, Lord. Talk to me." And immediately, "Hurry" comes into my head. Hurry? With the garden? So, just in case, I stop with the beans and go cut my stinging nettle, because we're going to have that for supper. That done, I get ready to plant my purple beans, and while I do that, I'm talking out loud to God. "Was that You, Lord? Hurry? Are you just caring about me not getting wet?"

I'm bent over, popping beans into the soil, and into my head comes, "Finish the work. You have less time than you think you have."

I stand up and look at the sky. "Lord? Is that really You? This isn't about the garden, then? If that's really You, could you please confirm this somehow?"

Now, in the immediate, I certainly did have less time than I thought I had. I hadn't started digging the new square for planting, and in fact, I wasn't even done with the beans when the rain started. I hurried then! I needed to finish the beans before I got soaked.

As I ran to the house, I'm thinking about those words. It really didn't feel like me talking to myself, because why would I say that? "FINISH THE WORK. YOU HAVE LESS TIME THAN YOU THINK YOU HAVE." If it was God, what did it mean? Is my personal time nearly up? Is the world's time nearly up? And if it was God, what work did He mean?

So, I get in the house, and I'm praying for confirmation of some sort, but none came - nothing big and flashy, any way. As the evening progressed, I remembered something that J.D. Farag had said. (My paraphrase of it) "If you knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that Jesus was calling you home tomorrow, what would you do differently today?" I think he was speaking of the rapture, but it could also be our personal "Judgment Day" at any time.

So, I realized that whether that was truly God or just my conscience, it is true. We all have work to do, that God designed for us - and us for it.

For we are God's handiwork,

created in Christ Jesus to do good works,

which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

And we always have less time than we think we have. So, what work for me, specifically? I guess I will be praying about that. Maybe I'm supposed to write more, here. I've used the excuse that my brain doesn't work so well these days, but God will supply what I need, if this is part of what He wants me to do. I haven't written a word here since November, but somehow, in the last month, people from Russia, Egypt, Bangladesh, Israel and six other countries have found my posts. No idea if I helped anyone. That's in God's hands. 

So, were these words are really from God? Finish the work. You have less time than you think you have - and if they were from God, is it just me that has less time or all of us?

I don't know. But, a reminder that we, as believers, are each still here for a reason. In any case, I like how the New Living Translation puts John 9:4: 

We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us

by the one who sent us.

The night is coming, and then no one can work.

John 9:4

Time to get to work! Help me, Lord, to stay on your path, in the center of your will, and help me to do whatever work You'd have me finish in the time I have. 

P.S. If those words were from God, I really don't want it to mean a personal "time is short," but all my days are written in God's book, and I know that all His plans for me are good. I am trusting that my sins are forgiven, because Jesus paid for them on the cross. And because He lives, I will also, forever and ever with Him.

Martin Luther, a man for his time

This is something I posted on Facebook on November 1, 2017. As I watch the news this morning, it seems appropriate to post again. Five days from today, we go to the polls in what some are calling the most important mid-term elections of all time. No matter who wins or loses, there will be people unhappy with the way it turned out. I pray every day for those elections, but it is God who decides who He will allow to lead our country. That is true about our president, who will be in office for at least two more years. That is true for the Senate and Congress. That is true for every country in the world. Yes, we need to vote, but no matter what happens, God is in charge, and we need to trust Him

________________________________

Last night was the 500th anniversary of the day when Martin Luther nailed his 95 "talking points" to the door of the chapel (October 31, 1517). Thanks to the printing press & printers looking for interesting material to print and sell, they went "viral," and soon this obscure monk and his ideas were on the minds of many. It sparked a movement that changed the world.

As I sat in church last night, reviewing what I knew about Luther, it occurred to me that he was a man for his time. God used him mightily, but he was loud, sometimes crude and about as far from a diplomat as you could get. And yet, had he been less strong, even less brash, perhaps, he would not have stood as he did, and the Reformation might never have happened.

If Twitter had been at his disposal, I can only imagine the tweets that Luther would send. (This might give you some idea: https://churchpop.com/2014/08/10/29-of-martin-luthers-most-hiliariously-over-the-top-insults/)

God's choice of leaders may not always fit what we think we want, but He knows what we need. Our job is to trust Him with that.

Called out of darkness: A Halloween story

 

The Bible says that all of us were once darkness. I was once darkness. Not only did I live in darkness, but I actually sought it out. I didn't realize that was what I was doing. 

I've been thinking about how to tell this story for days. If I wanted to tell it at all. In all honesty, no, I don't want to tell it. Christians are not "good" people. True Christians are forgiven sinners - forgiven because the blood of Jesus covers all those things that we did, are doing, will do that make us ashamed. This story makes me ashamed, but like all my sins, Jesus' blood covers this, too.

There was a time when Halloween was my favorite holiday. I told my college roommate that it was my favorite because it had no meaning - that it was just for fun. We had "secret spooks" in our dorm one year, and I had a great time filling my assigned person's mailbox with round candies that would spill out when she opened the latch, turning all her clothes inside out on their hangers (with a bit of help from her roommate), leaving a trail of paper ghosts for her to follow to find a prize. All fun. 

I went to church, but I didn't really get anything out of it. I had grown up going to a Methodist church. I'm not sure if they didn't talk about Jesus there, or if I just didn't hear it. Regardless, by the time I went to college, I considered myself a Christian, but I don't think I really was. At best, I was a tiny, baby Christian who didn't know anything about anything.

College was a confusing time. Classes and grades were the only things that were easy, and in that way, I excelled. Every thing else was superficial. I laughed for hours with my friends over people and places and professors. The real me never came out, though. My life was painful and full of never-answered questions. I meandered down all kinds of paths that didn't go anywhere. I searched for spiritual meaning but found emptiness. I learned to act like a caring, loving "Christian" person, but inside, I was a mess. I decided my problem was a lack of self-esteem, so I went on a self-help binge. I spent whole weekends "getting to know and like myself."

I started reading the Bible, but the meaning slid off me. Jesus died on the cross so that my sins could be forgiven, and I could go to heaven. So? Did I believe it? Really, truly, deep inside where no one could see, did I REALLY believe it? Other things were equally interesting. Reincarnation - that was weird, but maybe true? Out-of-body experiences sounded plausible. ESP was fascinating. Ghosts? Maybe there was too much evidence for them to be totally a hoax. Same thing for UFO's. It's a big universe, after all. Who's to say? What about spirit quests? What about . . . You get the idea.

I went to church, but it didn't do anything for the hole in my soul. I know now that it didn't help because I never heard about Jesus there! (Pretty sad commentary on the state of today's churches) It wasn't until I started listening to Christian radio that I started hearing about sin and the need for a savior. I listened to one Bible teacher after another, and finally, things started to click. One day, I pulled into a grocery store with Christian radio playing in the car. Just as I parked, I heard, "If you were the only person that Jesus could have saved by dying on the cross - if you were the ONLY person who would listen and believe and have your sins forgiven - Jesus would have done it anyway, just for you. He loves you that much."

I sat there, stunned. The message stabbed me in the heart. Truth. I knew I was hearing the truth. I decided to read the Bible from beginning to end. Every day I read, and every day I prayed, "If this is real, help me understand. Help me believe. I want to believe! Jesus, are you really God? Help me know for sure."

Somewhere during the twelve hundred and seventy-three pages, God reached me and I changed. I caught a glimpse of my life as God saw it. I'm sure I condemned myself to eternal suffering before age two, let alone those college years. But now I KNEW that Jesus loved me, and that he took every sin -- my angry outbursts, hypocritical judgments and others I don't even want to remember -- to the cross with him. When I die and stand before God, Jesus will step in front of me. God won't see my sins, but Jesus' righteousness instead. Heaven waits for me - not because I was good, kind and loving, but because God the Father punished Jesus instead of me.

And that was that, right? From that point on, I was a good Christian. I had read the Bible and put the past behind me. Here's the thing that is so hard to write about - so hard to admit. For several years after that, I lived in two worlds. I have no doubt that I was saved, but like Lazarus stumbling out of his tomb (alive!), I was still wrapped in my grave clothes.

I was a Christian who was attracted to darkness. How crazy is that? In my defense, I didn't realize that was what I was doing. I loved all things supernatural. If there was a rational explanation for something, I was disappointed. I loved stories about wizards and magic. It was harmless entertainment. Halloween was still just for fun, with cute decorations and costumes and trick or treating with my young daughters. If "Harry Potter" had been available in those days, I would have loved it and everything about it. If someone had tried to tell me that ANY of that was wrong, I would have laughed at her. I didn't actually believe any of it. It was just for fun. I was able to separate that world from the world of being a Christian. I could enjoy it for the harmless fun that it was. Right? Isn't that right?

I said this was a Halloween story, and every Halloween story needs a spooky part. I went on, just like that - reading my Bible and also reading books like Harry Potter (that particular book hadn't been written, yet, but there were hundreds of others). I discovered a series of books that I especially liked, that had characters with magical powers. There were so many of the books that I could read 3 or 4 a week - for weeks on end. I found myself thinking about the characters all the time. At night, I started dreaming about them. Then, in my dreams, the characters started taking on a life of their own, and it was like I was in the story. They were talking to me, telling me things. It was fascinating. So real - so fun.

Had anyone tried to talk to me about the dangers of that, I would have argued that he or she was wrong. It was harmless, and I was perfectly fine. And then one day, the characters talked to me in real voices - except I was not asleep. In that moment, I realized what I had done. I was listening to demons. Can I convey to you my terror? My horror? Up to that day, all was "fun," and then God allowed me to see past the obscuring veil. I had allowed the evil one not only into my house, but into my mind. I was listening to creatures of darkness who had masqueraded as the characters from the books I had been reading. Masqueraded as angels of light. When God allows you to actually see the enemy as they are, there is no fun there. There is no entertainment there. There are only lies and deception, darkness and evil - the blackness of the pit itself.

I cried out to God, to Jesus, my savior, "Help me! Make it stop! I'm so sorry!" and just like that, they were gone. I fear that if I had not obeyed the voice of God in that moment, when He called me out of darkness, that I would have been lost. The evil ones would have had possession of me.

I was a Christian still wrapped in grave clothes. I was a Christian still chasing darkness. That day, I stopped reading those kinds of books. I stopped having anything to do with Halloween (because it's not meaningless). I stopped all of that, and instead, I try to warn others. Not because I see myself as some sort of "better than thou." No - because I'm like an alcoholic, and that would be taking a drink. To this day, when I come across books or movies or pictures or anything like I used to love, there is a tug on my soul. "Come back! It's just harmless! You know you love it!" whispers the evil one. But, the Spirit within me says more loudly, "No! Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them." (Ephesians 5:11)

I have been called out of darkness, and so have you. Don't let the evil one fool you in whatever way you are vulnerable. For me, it was the attraction of the supernatural, and honestly, the love of darkness. For someone else, it might be sexual or some other thing. We all have our weak spots where Satan tries to get in, but we can't live in both worlds, calling ourselves Christians while chasing darkness.

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.

1 John 1:5-10

I was once darkness, but I have been called out of it. The pull is still there, but with God's help, I will not give in to it. 

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,
    rise from the dead,
    and Christ will shine on you.”

  Ephesians 5:8-11 

On this day when much of America is celebrating darkness, don't be like me, trying to walk in both worlds. I'm not here to make any doctrinal argument about what Christians can and cannot do or whether a Christian can be possessed or oppressed or whatever. I am just telling my own story, and if you would like to tell me yours, please comment below. 

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. 

1 Peter 2:9

Work that only you can do

God created you on purpose and especially designed you to do the work that He particularly created for you to do.

How amazing is that? Do you realize what that means? It means you cannot be too old, too sick, too brainless, too sad, too ANYTHING (because God knew you'd be those things) to do the work that He prepared for YOU to do. Only you. There is work to do for God that only you can do, because you were created for it and it was created for you.

Other people's lives may look amazing because of who they are or what they do or where they live. They may be smarter than you. Or stronger. More athletic or slimmer or prettier. They may be younger or richer or whatever-er. It may appear that God uses them for great things, while you are left - what? Doing the dishes? Making jewelry that nobody buys? Being so tired or wrapped in brain fog that you have to make a "to do" list just to get through the day?

But here's the thing - no matter where you are currently at in your life or the age of your body or whatever - there is still work for you to do - that God created in advance for you to do. He created it IN ADVANCE - meaning before you were too old, too tired, too brainless, knowing you would be those things. (or at least feel those things). You are meant to be about the work that God created you to do. You can't be "too" anything to do it - because God designed it especially for you. And you for it. And there is no better thing than to be in the center of God's will, doing what He wants you to do.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

I will be writing about this again as I struggle to wrap my brain around it.

God's plans are always good

Posts have been few and far between these days. Partly because there is only so much time and only so much energy in any one day. Partly because my brain does not always cooperate with the written language. But mostly, because every post would be about current struggles, and while that might be beneficial to me, I would imagine it would get very old to a reader. 

God's plans are always good. The Bible says that. My faith accepts that. My experience shows it to be true for the past. Therefore, it is true for the present. It will continue to be true for the future. 

God's plans are always good. Even when we don't understand them. Even when His way of doing things isn't what you thought it was going to be. Even when - in the moment, at least - it makes you cry. Doubting that is basically not trusting what God says about Himself in His word. 

Sometimes, we look at a pain we've experienced and everything in you says, "I don't want to do that again!!!" And your dread of going through that again is probably far worse than actually doing it. 

When you look at something on the horizon - say a city in the distance - from the vantage point of maybe a mountain or hilltop, you can see the whole journey between where you are and that place far off. You see every bump, every curve, every obstacle that might block your path. It's overwhelming. How can I go through that? I don't want to do that! It's too far. I'm too tired. 

That's what it's like when you're facing - again - something that caused pain in the past. It's like seeing the city in distance and the impossible amount of territory between here and there. 

The thing that I'm reminding myself of today, is that God's plans are always good. If it is His plan that I traverse every inch of that impossible-looking journey, then I have to know that He will be there with me every partial-inch of the way. And that He will have a reason for me having to do that. He doesn't ask hard things of me for no reason. It is either to grow me or strengthen me or to give me an experience that I can use to help others. Somehow, He will tie it all together in a way that fits His perfect plan.

A few months ago, a pastor Facebook friend posted a message about Romans 8:28. Do you remember that verse? "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." The point of his post was that sometimes, the things that happen are for someone else's good. You may be going through a hard thing, but it's for someone else's good. And while that may be completely true, in my opinion, he was wrong for suggesting that it wasn't also for YOUR good. If you love God, if you are called according to His purpose, then whatever happens is also for your good. God is very economical that way. He is perfectly capable of aligning things so that yes, they are for the good of someone else - but they are also for your good. It doesn't say "some" things. It says "ALL" things. Not just the things that make you happy. Not just the things you write in your diary because you want to remember every moment. All things. That includes the things that make you cry. It includes that looming event in your future that fills you with dread because you are afraid of how much it will hurt. 

Seeing that journey in its entirety ahead of time (imagining that event or whatever), is not always a good thing. What you don't realize is that even if you are picturing it correctly, you may be seeing something that will take months, even years. And step by step, one moment at a  time, it is gradually accomplished. When you look back at the end, you realize that God was there, and while it was every bit as hard as you thought, God had paced it out for you, and together, you got through it.

On the other hand,  you may not be seeing it correctly at all. You may not see that parts of the journey are not at all like you imagine. You don't really have to swim that lake - you get to ride in a speedboat. Or that city on the horizon that you thought you were heading to? Well, it wasn't your destination at all. 

God's plans are always good. They are better than anything we can come up with on our own. Only He can see the end from the beginning. Only He can take all the events of your life and weave them together - light threads and dark - to create a beautiful tapestry that will last forever.

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:16-21 (NLT)